Looking Back, Looking Forward

Dear 2012,

    Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

You are over. You are done. I survived you. Not only did I survive you, but-- truly, really-- I Lady Lazarus-ed you; I arose from the ashes of some serious heartache and became more Me and more grateful than I have ever, ever been.

There was a point when I wanted to (and many times, did) scream expletives at you and rail my tiny fists against your dim sky. Where some OJ Simpson around your uncooperative neck would have satisfied my despair. It was a very narrow corridor I paced inside my heart; horizons so far away.

Old perspective: "Take THAT, 2012!"

 It's funny, this thing called hardship. When you're mired in the muck, perspective has such a hard time peering up at what could be. You grind your teeth so hard at pithy sayings like "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." You think, this is going to kill me. I will never get better. I will never be happy again.

And yet.

One year later, I think how lucky I am that this happened to me. How wise my body was for doing what it needed to warn me that there were things I needed to deal with in my baby heart. How my skin literally and figuratively hardened, yielded, then softened. How I learned that time needs time.

As a result, on this peaceful Sunday evening, with a dog napping beside me and my Love puttering about, my spirit feels scrubbed and new. I marvel at the idea that even though I consciously didn't realize at the tail end of 2011 that I needed a deep cleansing, my body and mind collaborated together to give me an opportunity to wrestle with the memories and feelings inside that no longer served me.

So, 2012, my old friend, my formidable friend.... thank you so much for being a most trying year.
In the course of trying to run alongside you, I learned to breathe, to love, accept and forgive myself, to trust that I can be assertive, to hold space for others.

I gave up refined sugar, wheat, dairy, and in that "sacrifice", gained a new universe of tastes.

I lost my fear of bicycling in the city, and gained strength in my body and coat of arms, zooming all over Vancouver.

I got engaged to the most brave, giving, loving, sweet, talented, silly and accepting human in the world.

I rediscovered my love for writing.

I reconnected with the best parts of myself that, in hindsight, have been missing since London.

I became more grateful and trusting for the support of family and friends.

I learned skills for my Toolbox that I am so, so lucky to possess. They will aid me for life.

I recommitted to happiness.

Tomorrow, or some other day, I will write you and tell you just what 2013 is going to mean to me, what it already means to me, but right now I am pretty content to press 'Post' and cuddle with the Catdog in front of the wood stove.

Goodnight, all.

New Perspective: "Love & Gratitude to you, 2012!"