I asked our dear friend Courtney to come up with some questions we could reflect on, and once she sent them over, we answered them privately. Here they are... we are reading this together for the first time too!
Babes: 10 years together total, 5 years married, 1 cute baby... high five.
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1) What is your elevator pitch to describe the other person?
J: You would be hard pressed to find another person as kind and good-hearted as Bryan. Out of the corner of your eye, you might think him intimidating because of his tattoos, long socks and cool beard (LOL), but that would last 1 millisecond before he opened his mouth and invited you into his orbit in some way. He likes to go down stuff really fast, and he is more sensitive that you would expect. Anything he tries, he becomes good at. Except for singing. But it would be annoying if he didn’t have something lacking, so that is the only thing. You would be stupid lucky to have him in your life.
J: You would be hard pressed to find another person as kind and good-hearted as Bryan. Out of the corner of your eye, you might think him intimidating because of his tattoos, long socks and cool beard (LOL), but that would last 1 millisecond before he opened his mouth and invited you into his orbit in some way. He likes to go down stuff really fast, and he is more sensitive that you would expect. Anything he tries, he becomes good at. Except for singing. But it would be annoying if he didn’t have something lacking, so that is the only thing. You would be stupid lucky to have him in your life.
B: At first meeting, she showers her charming attention upon you. She asks such good questions, but you aren’t even aware of the social grace bestowed you. It just feels easy to talk to her. You are enamoured by her wit. You leave wanting more. How fun! What an extrovert, you mistakenly think. Precious few see the brilliant vulnerability. Her cuteness. Her sensitivity. She has no skin, and feels everything - so alive in that way. Open to the whips and scorns, but also to beauty, to laughter and to the immensity of joy that only comes with an exposed heart. And then you put your foot in your mouth. Some careless comment. Meet her ferocity. No rage, nothing tempestuous. But solid. She will have justice. She will have you know you have crossed a line. She speaks up a for the marginalized, because she chooses to let in the pain of others. She speaks up for herself because she knows her worth. You admire her more. You find your respect for her knows no bounds and are inspired to possess your own values so clearly and tenaciously. You have met my wife.
2) What was one of your favourite marriage moments (excluding moments with Kai?)
J: This question is really hard for me to offer a concrete answer. A lot of happy times come to mind, specifically when we went to Copenhagen and the South of France in 2015, but for me, I think I favour the times in our marriage where his walls have come down and I get to know some true part of him, some hardship, some thing he’s had to conceal or protect for all the rest of his days, and he lifts the veil for me. It is a real privilege to know each other during our ugliest selves, and still be together.
B: I love how silly sayings become repeated and funnier over time. We use cute voices with each other. Every couple does. It’s made silly and embarrassing outside of the relationship, but I love it. It wouldn’t make any sense to anyone else, these weird ways of saying things, or how I’ll start a stupid song and she’ll just join right in, but maybe that’s it. That these moments are ours alone. Enceinte. You. Juicy sweet adzuki bean. Seymour Butts.
3) How do you support each other during the stormy days?
J: If it’s one person’s stormy day, then: offering a hand to hold, talking it out, a nourishing meal, relieving the other person of some chore. If it’s stormy weather for us both, and if its been battering at us for some time -- then a lot of grace. A lot of breathing and pausing before the temptation to take it out on the other person grabs hold. We often also say, “we need some outside help for this. I love you, but I can’t be the only one supporting you through.”
B: Hold space. Listen. Empathic statements. Take-out. I know her primary language of love is quality time, so I try to just slow down and be with her. I remember a card with two umbrellas on it and rain pouring down that said “Let’s weather it together." That is us.
4) What is something your partner does that makes you feel the most loved?
J: When I am upset, he listens to me with his whole body and validates what I say. He says, “Thank you for telling me that.” It is a balm, especially if that thing was particularly hard or shameful to say. I feel loved in those moments because I feel so safe, and safety to me is the most precious, sacred form of love.
Can I add one more thing? Sometimes when I fart and I apologize, he goes, “Don’t apologize! Good for you!” and is pumped for me that I got it out. That is the neatest thing. I never thought I’d marry someone who could accept my flatulence. #iftheyaresmellyitsadifferentstory
B: I like when she reaches for me. A hand on my leg while I drive. Her hand slipping into mine while we walk. These are very precious to me.
5) How has your partner evolved in the past five years?
J: He has grown from someone who would try to help and fix my problems to being the best listener, validator and empathy-provider in my life. He has done some real work to find his way to being okay with being vulnerable and open, and has reckoned with what ‘manhood’ is and is not for himself. It is pretty beautiful.
B: 2013 - 2018: Endured through gnarly health stuff, came out more accepting and oh so tough. Reckoned with old friendships to remake them into adult ones. Forged new patterns with family. From hamlet to metropolis. Biking in the city. Driving in the city. Smart phone in 2014 - has Instagram dialed. Mastered a degree in counseling - touching many lives with her empathic jiu-jitsu. Became a mountain lion and gave birth. Matrescence (ongoing).
6) How has marriage changed you?
J: I have become a more grounded, secure version of myself. Because he is my safe harbour in life, I feel confident to go off and try and fail and be excellent or not. You know how when you watch a little child at the playground, they sometimes go check in with their parent of their own accord to make sure they are there, reach for a touch or some words, and then right away sprint off to go down that big slide or leap across monkey bars? He’s that for me. So 5 years in, I have less fear and more daring and take on challenges like getting my masters, or having a baby, or wearing whatever I feel like, or chopping my hair off, without all the ‘what if’s’ that plagued my early 20’s. It is the best.
I will add though, that marriage has also made me understand the gravity of human life. I feel loss and the potential for him to one day be gone in a more full, and terrified way.
B: I communicate much differently now.
7) What was your first impression of the other's personality and is it true today?
J: My very first impression was when I saw him stand up at a staff meeting at Killarney, where we were both student teachers. He was wearing an olive green blazer and his curly hair was off the hook. He volunteered to do this ice breaker thing in front of the whole staff, who didn’t know him from Adam, and he seemed so brave, weird, and confident. I had a crush instantly. Then I stalked him on the internet and found his Steev Hairg-itar video online and I laughed my ass off. When I had my first in person conversation with him, I was bowled over by how warm and friendly he was. It was so odd to talk to a man who was not aloof.
Are these traits true today? I mean, last month he stood up in front of his staff at Tupper and rapped about being a Dad, so yeah. 100% still so strangely brave and weird. He talks to strangers like they are already friends. I just heard him talk to someone who cold-called him on the phone about proportional representation or something, and he treated them as if they could have beers after they hung up.
B: Oh I thought she was too classy for me. She’s always been a sharp dresser. She is still a sharp dresser, but I wouldn’t call her classy - put a burger in her hands and you’ll see what I mean.
8) What has been your favourite moment watching the other person become a parent?
J: He plays with Birdie like they are best pals and fellow explorers. Seemingly, he doesn’t seem to get bored making up funny stories for him about his cars or stuffies. He is so creative with our kid, and really loves to help him explore his boundaries and range of motion. I am so bored when I do any of that. I just lie there and steal kisses occasionally.
B: First thing in the morning. J has never liked mornings much. Add sleep dep’ and insomnia and she can be pretty grumpy. I love the way all that melts when she has finished nursing him, and she turns into an adorable cartoon cuddling her beautiful child, both smiling and shining with joy.
9) What's the most attractive aspect of your partner today? How has that evolved from when you were dating?
J: When we first dated, he was exciting and sort of untouchable. He was always so kind to me, but he would drop off the face of the earth for weeks. I was enthralled by the tattoos, the motorcycle, the martial arts, all the things that made him a really ‘cool’ guy. I had an unhealthy relationship with rejection at the time, like many women I knew, and would stick around long after it was time to say goodbye. The more he was absent, the more one mysterious email or text would hook me. If you know the metaphor, his taxi light was ‘off’.
That was 10 years ago. I am a different woman now. The most attractive aspect of him today is how dependably loving he is. He follows through. He brings me fizzy water without my asking. He does what he says he will. I don’t have to guess at anything.
B: My wife was a “cool girl” for awhile (that is what women have to be with immature young men). It has been awesome to watch her shed the self that immature me needed and become unapologetic and authentically herself. Nothing is more attractive than a woman who knows herself and advocates for what she wants. J does that and I love her for it.
10) What has been the most challenging part of bringing a child into your unit?
J: The unrelenting amount of stuff we do now -- the one after the other checklist of feeding baby, laundry, dishes, naps. baths, etc. etc. etc. We really don’t have personal down time until like 8pm, and by then we are pretty exhausted. For a couple who spent a lot of quality time together before, it is just a different landscape. If you get a break during the day, it is because the other person is being lead-parent, so you’re never both just chilling out at the same time. We are trying to be intentional about time spent together on date nights when my parents offer to babysit, so that helps. But I sure miss Saturday morning sleep-ins where we talk about nothing and everything until 11am.
B: The impact on my wife. Seeing it all without being able to do anything about it. I know she carries it well, but it has been painful, debilitating, heart-wrenching and wearying for her. I think for all new mothers. But seeing that - it’s happening to the person I am closest to. That’s hard.
11) What is the most vivid memory from your wedding?
J: Memory is so weird. For me, I feel like my mind is a sieve and I mostly have hazy recollections of things. My wedding was beautiful and I loved it, but I also had an out of body experience the entire ceremony and parts of the night because everything felt so intense. So one thing I do remember vividly, is standing on the rocks by the water with little pockets of other guests as the sun went down, and feeling relaxed and warm and buzzy, and watching my new husband and his oldest pal Blair taking off their clothes and wading into the Salish Sea. They hooped and hollered like boys, and the water was pink and purple, and I felt happy.
B: I remember her coming out, beautiful, making her way down the dirt driveway and then up the lawn. Flightless Bird, American Mouth was playing. It was perfect. I couldn’t wait til she was by my side and yet I was glad for that moment to go on and on, the edge of not quite having and having forever. That and skateboarding down East Point Road with all our friends and family cheering me on.
12) Do you keep any silly/funny/weird habits from each other?
J: I have this weird leftover habit from adolescence, where I HAVE to smile at every mirror I see. I used to spend hours practicing my smile in my bedroom because I had gotten my braces off, and I wanted to smile naturally, just so. Being a girl felt so hard sometimes. I still do it now, as a reflex. He has caught me a few times and thinks I am totally nuts.
B: Sometimes I hide potato chips.
13) Favourite thing the other person regularly does?
J: He makes up silly songs about nothing, and then I join in. He also likes to put weird things on his head, and it makes me laugh every time. Lightness and humour is my favourite thing about our relationship.
B: She will spontaneously and uninhibitedly begin singing or dancing or both. I love it. Partly because I’m in awe - I could never do either without inhibition, and I can’t hold a tune. But more so because I see that as her spirit shining through, and I know it means that she is at peace and untroubled. I feel so lucky that my partner is someone who, when left to her own device, sings and dances.
B: She will spontaneously and uninhibitedly begin singing or dancing or both. I love it. Partly because I’m in awe - I could never do either without inhibition, and I can’t hold a tune. But more so because I see that as her spirit shining through, and I know it means that she is at peace and untroubled. I feel so lucky that my partner is someone who, when left to her own device, sings and dances.
14) Least favourite thing the other person regularly does?
J: When he clips his toenails into the bathroom sink. Uch. I didn’t even like typing that. Also, when he forgets to communicate when he’s out (this doesn’t happen as much anymore, because we’ve WORKED on it), and my overactive imagination goes bananas.
B: Sheds long black hairs. On white sheets. On a white rug. On white tubs and white sinks.
15) Is this what you expected marriage to be like? What surprises you most?
J: No. From all my earlier romantic experiences, and what I saw represented on TV, I thought it was supposed to be more tumultuous. I thought it would be really, really hard at times with lots of tears. Don’t get me wrong-- we work hard to be where we are, but I would say that there is so little drama. It surprises me that not succumbing to contempt, or bickering, or running away from issues is extremely doable.
B: Not at all. I thought it would be a lot busier. I thought adulthood meant slaving away and doing as many tasks as possible each day. I didn’t realize I would be with someone who would teach me to slow down, to stop ramming away at life. I didn’t expect we’d read so many books or take so many walks. I am most surprised by the craft of it all, how marriage is made. How we work at it, struggle to make the resources stretch to fit us both in, and take pride in what we’ve created.
16) What is the one way you most differ from the other?
J: Just one? Oh man. This one is an oldie, but I think it probably sums us up more than other things (introvert/extrovert; aesthetics/practical; planner/free flow).. he has two speeds and I have only one. He is either at a 0km/hr and watching 3 movies in a row, or 60km/hr and cleaning the bathroom at 10pm. I am an even-keeled 30km/hr, which I know is very frustrating for him sometimes.
B: I love spontaneity. She likes knowing what will happen.
17) What are the things the other can't live without (other than Kai/family/friends).
J: Coffee, a really tasty beer/cider/tequila, exercise, ocean, mountains, spontaneity.
B: Down time. Reading and writing. Good food. Lemons.
18) What's the one thing that will always cheer the other person up?
J: Jumping into water, even if it is cold and an insane thing to do. I have never seen him regret it.
B: Unexpected meals. Like delivery or takeout when it’s not take out night. And donuts.
19) What's the one thing you wish the other person liked more?
J: Hahahahah farmer’s markets. WHY? What is not to love???? He begrudgingly goes with me, but I wish it made him excited. The crowds and hot sun stress him out. I am obsessed with farmer’s markets. I sometimes get teary.
B: Snowboarding. But her experience on a school trip ruined it for her. She tried surfing once in a torrential downpour in cold beach break. I pushed her into belly rides and she grinned like the moon all the way to the beach. So there is hope.
20) What is a hope you have for you guys in the next five years?
J: That we’re still laughing and holding hands, despite the children underfoot and impending grey in our hair. I love you, my dearest friend.
B: That we continue to seek out time together as a couple. I believe we will. Tomorrow we will take a night away for ourselves with Kai only 7 months. I know our marriage will not be subsumed by parenting. We talked about that a lot before Kai came - how we wanted to make sure the marriage was not set aside - no matter how cute that little child is.
"Five years
no divorce,
Five years
no divorce,
Five years,
some remorse,
Five years,
still on course."
- a song we sing to each other each anniversary.
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