travelogue: Roadtrip to California

What do you do when you promised your spouse that Europe 2015 would be the last big international voyage for a long while, because of jet fuel, carbon footprint, and airport anxiety?

You wait two years. Finish a Masters. Announce a celebratory trip is owed. Compromise by getting into the car with sleeping bags, a cooler, long johns, and head down the coast to California instead.



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Timing: August. The day after your husband finishes a stressful, frenzied 5 week summer school stint. Wildfires will have ravaged the interior, the sky will have been a weird grey-lavender for weeks, and you will feel grateful to put miles in between you and the BC apocalyptic horizon.


Itinerary: 18 days, with a bit in Washington upfront, and then the rest spilt evenly between Oregon and California. We stayed on the 101 to stare at the Pacific ocean for as much as we could. Majority of the time is spent in campgrounds that have been booked well in advance -- not so romantic or spontaneous, but beats being worried about where we're going to lay our heads at night. Two nights on a proper bed to break up the drive, as this woman is 6 months pregnant and FEELING it.


Packing: He and I have camped together for the past 8+ years of our relationship. After all these adventures, we finally invested in some comforts for this journey:

1) A sleek double burner Primus stove
2) A queen sized thermarest and a double sleeping bag for optimal cuddling / warmth
3) Actual camping plates / bowls ( vs. random tin lids)
4) A car stereo and Spotify subscription for playlists and all the music (vs. our very scratched CDs)

I know all this is like... duh? to you. But it was new to us since we have subsisted on his early 20's camping gear for years. Adult Purchases are so great!

Favourite campsite(s):

Tilicum Beach campground, just north of Yachats, Oregon. Taking our plates of dinner down the stairs to the beach for sunset was so pretty.

Pheiffer Big Sur campground. We did one night by a babbling creek, and one night staring up at the giant Redwoods and stars while we listened to an audio book by the fire.

Adventures:

The huge rattle snake that crossed our path and hissed at us in Big Sur.

The weird, gaping hole in a tree that Bryan poked at in our campsite at Montana de Oro State park, only to discover that it was a giant nest of big, black spiders and all their legs.

Free camping overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, that I scored by calling a month in advance (Bicentennial State park).

The adventure that is marriage + driving almost 4,000 km together when you're hot and lost and maybe dehydrated.

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Day 1 - 3: Deception Pass WA, short stop in Seattle, this super cool spot along the Columbia River, and Astoria WA

Recommend: NOT getting stuck in 1-5 traffic getting into or out of Seattle on a weekend, and Buoy Beer Co. for great burgers and sea lions underneath your feet

🚗   Day 4 - 7: Cannon Beach OR, Yachats OR, and Humbolt State Park OR

Recommend:  Yachats Brewing for their Brisket sandwich and ferments, and Thor's Well.

🚗    Day 8 - 10: Redding CA, and San Francisco CA, Bicentennial Campground

Recommend: The podcast Revisionist's History by Malcolm Gladwell and Beautiful Anonymous by Chris Gethard (as there will be nothing to see for the hours of inland driving to 38℃ Redding), and
Outerlands for brunch in San Francisco

🚗  Day 11 - 15: Big Sur CA, Pheiffer Big Sur Campground,  and Montana de Oro State Park

Recommend: Pulling over whenever you can to stare at the moody, dramatic Californian coastline

🚗   Day 16- 18: Heading back North! Crazy 6-7 hours of driving to Redding for rest and In 'N Out burgers, then 3 nights of relaxation in Portland 

Recommend: Por Que No for Mexican, and Bollywood Theatre for Indian

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Hey.

Is a babymoon what you do when baby is earthside, or still in the belly? 

Was this our bellybabymoon?

Now that baby is imminent, I'm dreaming of a Hawaii getaway. If spouse lets us do it, I will be super thrilled -- an earthside babymoon.

For now, these memories serve as a reminder of our last trip that was just the two of us. 

(Just the two of us. Isn't that wild?)

on mamahood: the early days

This is a story about how I was 9 weeks pregnant before I actually realized, for sure, that I was.

And all the random, abstract moments in between.

Maybe you read my last post, and you remember how much of a clusterfuck (excuse my language, mom and employers) the months leading up to April were for us. Moving, practicum, health. So when I started feeling extremely sad, overwhelmed, and so tired that I had to close the door to my tiny office in between clients and lean my head against the wall to take a short nap, I thought it was just that. Nothing more.

Even when my cycle was a few weeks late, I chalked it up to stress and life (since that does happen sometimes).

Even though we were actively trying to get pregnant.

There were so many hurdles we were trying to navigate in life that my brain truly had no space to contemplate what this could be. Coupled with this strange and paranoid idea I'd fostered since I was a teenager, that I was somehow probably quite infertile and it would take a lot of time for anything to happen at all. 

Anyway. After I was 4 weeks late, and admitted as much to B,  he (being the imminently wiser and more pragmatic one during this moment) said: maybe you should take a test, babe.

I put it off for another week. I was like: I hate wasting money, if this is a false alarm. ($20, LOL). 

He bought us a test anyway. 

On week 5 of being late, I peed on a stick and within seconds really, it said PREGNANT/ ENCEINTE/ 3+.

Bryan hooted and hollered. 

My heart started beating really fast and my brain was so confused and in denial, that it took 15 minutes of me being like, sure it says pregnant, but it ALSO says enceinte and MAYBE that's french for MAYBE NOT SO PREGNANT. 

So B had to pull out his phone and type in enceinte in google translate, and kept pressing play over and over again as the robot-lady voice said: pregnant! pregnant! pregnant!

Then, I got it. And I ran around and around and around my living room with B close at my heels, as we chanted enceinte! enceinte! enceinte!

After that, we went to the doctor to confirm. As a person who loves and abides by rules, it would take a person wearing a white coat to convince me. A small percentage of me was still skeptical, and half expected that I would be told it was a false alarm.  Our doctor walked in and announced:

Joann, you're pregnant! with a big smile on her face.

Then with the kind of math and alchemy that I still don't understand yet, she told us I was NINE WEEKS PREGNANT. Which is 3 weeks shy of the first trimester being basically over! When we had tried to do the math on our own with the most probable date of conception, we had come up with 5-6 weeks. So... 9 was a bit of a shock.

9 weeks. Whoa.

Symptoms and feelings of these early days:

- Nasusea X 1 day (then B researched online and told me to snack more throughout the day. Magic!)

- Night nausea during first trimester (no cure but time for this one, ugh)

- Super fatigue. Naps after breakfast type of fatigue.

- Immense sense of calm and grounded perspective. Small anxieties about practicum and life goes away. Begin instilling healthy boundaries for myself, immediately.

- Feeling private, like guarding the most beautiful secret

- Awe and denial

- Two more times of wearing tight button up jean overalls, then they are put away forever. 

- Double chin

- Bewilderment over weight gain -- rational brain says, yay, healthy for the baby! socialized self says, WTF is this.

At 15 weeks, we plan to tell our families.  We skype B's family during the day, when his dad is visiting the family in Vermont, and tell our niece that Uncle Bryan drew her something. Instead of a drawing, we show them the ultrasound of our littlest, littlest nugget (truly, they look like a fingerling potato or large worm at that stage) and watch their confusion turn into excitement.

On my side, Sister and Dad have birthdays in early June, so we arrange their birthday presents to be the way we announce the news. I wrap Sister's grey shirt, embroidered with a coral 'auntie' and Dad's navy blue shirt, embroidered in mint green with 'gong gong' (maternal grandfather).
I hide the brown paper packages in my purse at dinner, as it is two weeks before their actual birthdays, and they are not expecting any fanfare tonight.

We act nonchalant during the meal.

I casually say that we have early presents for them that are 'time sensitive' and should be opened tonight.



Baby announcement! from Joann Liu on Vimeo.


Such joy! I still grin, watching this. Please note my mom's delayed reaction.
And my dad saying such gems as "Are you sure?" and in cantonese "Are you lying?"

The moments of this pregnancy that I will remember for a long while:

20 week ultrasound. Secretly scared for bad news. In the inbetween of doctor visits, I never know what is happening, has happened, to my baby. Feeling so vulnerable. After 15 minutes of silence from the technician, she lets B into the room and he gasps, and I finally turn around to look at the screen and see 

a head and 

kicking legs and 

a spine and 

a strong heartbeat and and and

my whole future, on a black and white screen.

//

The first time I felt baby. During my Month 5 check-up, I shyly ask the nurse practioner why I might not have felt any activity yet. The book said typically baby starts being very active around now, but there hadn't been anything, and I was trying not to be worried about it (but worrying is in my DNA.)

She said it was fine, and baby would probably announce itself soon. Minutes later, she gave me a sidelong glance, with her hand on my belly, and said: do you feel that? Ah! Yes. Baby is here. Tap tap tap. Like the presence of a little God. 

//

Lying on the couch with husband, and putting his hand on my belly as he feels baby for the first time. His face. Tears. Love beams straight to the heart. 

Best friend remarked to me that when she was pregnant, the feeling of her baby's movements felt exactly like what you would imagine a little being kicking you from the inside would feel like. I kept on waiting to see if that's what my experience would be, but instead:

A list of ways I would describe what baby's movements feel like to me

- a frog croaking

- the way your stomach flips when you fall in love

- bad gas

- that feeling when you jerk awake from sleep

- a back spasm, but in your belly

- a tectonic plate shuddering

- when you visit Yosemite park and you see the earth belching

- hiccups

A confession: 

In the book What to Expect When You're Expecting, in month 6, they share that one feeling you may be experiencing is boredom that all anyone talks about is the baby. Sometimes, I really understand this sentiment. There's a big part of me that still does not comprehend yet what is happening, what is going to happen soon, and has 32 years of other things to talk about still. 

Often, I'm truly stunned that I talk more about this life inside me, than the fact that I completed my Masters in June. In the case of the latter, I worked my ass off for 2+ years deliberately, actively. In the case of the former, I feel lucky to have been able to conceive, but my body has been doing the rest for me invisibly (and sometimes, very visibly). For me, it is almost a passive process, if that makes any sense. I am along for the ride.

To be clear: I'm so grateful for all of the love, support and excitement we've received. I hope I'm not coming off unappreciative. It is more a Grappling With Identity moment, where I am becoming more than just an individual, I'm a mama! and it is really, really strange to integrate the two. I cherish how people in my life ask after me and my little bean. But my other self also yearns to keep talking about my nerdy obsession with counselling, or feminism, or tv shows. It still is bewildered when everyone tells me to be careful all the time.

So anyway. I still go on the weekend canoe trip. I still go camping on a very, very long roadtrip at 6 months pregnant to California. I'll still get on my bike this week. 

I'm a mama now. AND I'm also all my other selves, still. 

Stereotypical pregnant women characteristics that I am surprised I do now at 26.5 weeks:

- Waddle

- Snore

- Complain about my back

- Complain about my swollen feet

- Find it hard to get up off low surfaces

- a BIT of 'baby brain' (ugh. I really hate this one. It feels so demeaning. Or I'm a person with too much pride, and I can't accept my occasional absent-mindedness.) ((But yesterday, I took the gas nozzle out of the car and squeezed it and got gasoline all. over. myself. So maybe some truth to it.))

It is my 33rd birthday in two days. The same age my momma was when she had me. There is some symmetry in that that comforts me.

B asked me the other day what was the intention I wanted to carry into this birthday year--

I said, to surrender. 

To surrender to pain, fear, joy, love, the unknown. To surrender the parts of myself that wholly seek control and perfection. The hope I pin to baby's personality (will they be kind?) and health (will they be okay? tell me tell me). To surrender my eternal quest for certainty. To surrender to the idea that I do not know what the future holds for my little babe, but that no matter what happens, I am its house and womb and everything for now-- and that is all we have.

Every moment so far has been an honour.

of late: January to .... oh man

                                   1/ sea gazing therapy   2/ from our digs on the sunshine coast

                                   3/ made for a dear friend, and her new baby  4/ visit from Rowan!

                                   5/ view from on high, at the new house   6/ in spring, the window is a green canopied painting

                                   7/ Saturna, Russell's Reef  8/ citrus

                                   9/ iced tea, clogs, backyard  10/ a joy to host in our new space
                                 11/ LA! LA! LA!   12/ school wife and I, frolicking on Santa Monica beach

Of late...

January ++++ was //

A millenia ago. I'm almost laughing and shaking my head as I write this, as I'm not sure how to sum up the past seven (?!) months for you in any adequate way. I marvel at how times passes so quickly, and how it came to be that I ceased to write to you monthly, as per tradition.

But then of course, I squint my eyes at the images of the past few months and I go Oh yes, this period was a blur and you were only holding on for dear life and where would writing have fit into that?

I was submerged, in a non-drowning sort of way, and now I have risen above to take a gulp of air and feel the salt of life on my skin and it is GOOD. It is GOOD to see you again, friend.

On Endings//

In counselling, at some point you have to part ways with a client -- because the work is done, or it's stalled and not getting done, or for so many reasons, really-- and this is often called termination. Termination of therapy: a clean and clear goodbye to the relationship. My beloved supervisor really flinched at the  aggression of the word, and advised us to say ending, instead. 

Maybe I can tell you of my recent endings so that you can begin to know of what was happening in my absence.

I ended my time in Clinic in April, and said goodbyes to the three clients that have helped shape my new burgeoning baby therapist self. I won't soon forget them. I ended with my Clinic team of feminist, badass women that supported each other every Thursday night for the past half year.

On April 1st, Bry and I ended our time at the Fraser house, because an opportunity to move to a bigger apartment with a huge, spacious backyard dropped into our laps, and I said a tearful goodbye to the place we have cherished since we first moved to Vancouver.

In a whirlwind, I started my practicum a few days later, which meant jumping into two different counselling sites with new supervisors, new teams, new styles... I closed my office door often in those first few weeks, and tried to surf my overwhelm (and also, napped). 

From April - end of June, I breathed in school and community counselling on the daily and hustled to get my 500 practicum hours completed. I saw an average of 15-18 (!!!) clients a week, ran two counselling groups, and felt my brain get fuller, just as my heart and my Counsellor spine grew stronger.

On the last week of practicum in June, I had to end with all of those clients. Can you imagine? 10 weeks together, and then in one fell swoop. My best wishes to you, goodbye. It was a lot for me. I imagine it was a lot for each one of them too, to part ways with someone who has walked weekly with them for this time. When I say it was a lot for me, I mean to meaningfully process 18 endings one after another -- with integrity, with honesty, with intimacy-- I don't know about you, but I'm not doing that a lot in my own life. I can get skittish around real life goodbyes, throw out a cheerful Hey! We'll see you soon, thanks a mill, then run away unscathed. It's a heart protector thing.

But this was different because I was holding space and helping each person sit in the discomfort (and sometimes awkwardness) of our ending, making eye contact and saying my truths

This is how you impacted me, 

I have seen this growth in you, 

I notice I have tears in my eyes,

What is it like to hear me say that,

What is our ending like for you,

You have mattered to me.

I still get goosebumps when I think about those endings, especially the ones where we both were vulnerable and said the truth in our heart, rather than shrugging or laughing off the ending. This transparency (which is scary, by the way) has taught me how clean and good an ending can be. That despite the risk, you can tell a person what they meant to you, so that you can say goodbye without walking away with regrets that you held yourself back. 

I am so grateful for this time in my life.

I never knew that I would leave this program being a better person, not just a better counsellor.

What Else Did You Love?//  

♥ Our escapes. We tried to implement a getaway weekend once a month, money be damned, to remind ourselves that life is not just work and goals. I firmly believe that the Sunshine Coast in February, Bowen Island in April, and Saturna in May saved my sanity. We brought only books of fiction, and stared at many different bodies of water and perspectives of sky. 

♥ Loving our new space. To be clear, I was deeply not in love with it at first, because I had no energy to do my usual magic. We had too little furniture for the size of the apartment, and neither of us had hung any art, so it was bare beige walls for a long time. Paint fumes that somehow lasted 2 months. Spring was also super late this year, so there was no bounty for us in the backyard, just empty soil beds and dormant trees. It did not feel like home. So I really am overjoyed that in the past little while, we have put in the effort to make this house a home, and I LOVE it now, and cannot believe I almost said 'no thanks' to this place. The garden and how peaceful it is out there is BANANAS.

♥ After almost a year without, I got a new bike! She's a beauty, and I even have a secure place to store her at our new house, so may this one have safe harbour and help me go real fast, for a long time. 

♥ That moment when I finished my last bit of paperwork, submitted it to UBC, applied for graduation, and was told that my file had been closed and I was officially done. DONE. MY. MASTERS. I don't have words for this. I am so so so many things about this. 

♥ Hopping on a plane with School Wife 4 hours after our last practicum day (we don't waste any time!) to fly to LA and properly celebrate our achievement. As it turned out, she and I were some of the first ones to be finished our practicum requirements -- the rest of my comrades will be done a bit later, and I'm thinking of you!-- and it was such a blessing to share in this moment with her. She has been by my side, both of us taking turns commiserating and revelling in our journeys these past two years, that it was just so perfect to be eating huge brunches, spontaneously jumping into paddle boats at Echo Lake, and riding along the boardwalk from Venice to Santa Monica at sunset with her. 

♥ Making things with my hands. I felted that cute baby mobile above for a friend, and am gearing up to do another. I also recently did an indigo dying workshop with Lauren, and feel so much satisfaction hanging up my art work in my home.

♥ Spending $$$ on plants and things for the home

♥ Getting my first school counsellor interview, and getting hired! Rejoicing with husband that he also got a permanent teaching job for next year!  

Body is//

Such a good, sensitive reminder of everything. When moving to a new place, clinic ending and practicum beginning all fell in the span of a few days in April (worse timing possible), Skin chirped up as usual and delivered a mighty boom that was impossible to ignore. My face was so swollen and in pain, that there was nothing to do but to take a week off to heal. I was upset and felt sorry for myself for a bit, and then came to understand that this 'break' (as hard as it was), was something that was really needed. So on the teal couch I sat.

By the end of April, after I heeded its call and slowed down my expectations of myself, and reintroduced some self-love back to my world, body mellowed out and bounced back pretty quickly.

When I look back at how long these flares used to last me, I notice that while they haven't gone away entirely, I surrender now when it comes back. I say hello old friend, and because it feels more accepted in my house, it doesn't overstay its welcome any longer. 

Things I Ate That Were Good//

- I wanted to tell you that I am no longer obsessed with doughnuts, as there are no shops in close proximity to our new place. So it was a contextual, site specific love affair?

- I actually don't know what to say here. . .

- Neither of us had interest in cooking very often, so there were lots of chicken tenders from the freezer, or Annie's mac n' cheese for a few months

- BUT! With all my free time now, I care about cooking again so: our bbq steak tacos with chimichurri, my blueberry pie, Bryan's homemade dan dan mein with soba noodles

- Tacofino Commissary's fish taco / kale/squash taco on Taco Tuesdays

- the burger we had at Cafe Stella in LA, and the chicken parm sandwich at Little Dom's

5 Items in my Kitchen right now, on the weekly rotation//

- Lemons

- Strawberries

- Blueberries

- Samosas

- Greek Yoghurt

Upcoming// 

There is still so much to tell you. But that's for another day ;)

We are looking forward to summer school being over in 2 weeks so that I can have my husband back, from the clutches of a condensed curriculum. He is working so so hard. As soon as he is done, we are hopping in Ninja Turtle and have a three week camping trip down the coast to California planned.

Oh! And canoe camping next weekend, to solidify a tradition

And we turn 4 years old in our marriage tomorrow!

So many good, sweet, pure things.

My hope for you, as always, is that the world is feeding you and keeping your heart safe.

With all my love,

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