of late: October Musings

1/ 7:55am on Fraser st, waiting for bus   2/ Spontaneous brunch for travelling friend from afar

3/ Treasures from last Trout Lake farmers market of the season     4/ Foxy new restaurant opening up across the street

5/ Pumpkin pie to celebrate political oustings    6/ Date night: Tetsuro Shigematsu from Empire of the Son

7/ Tucked away in a back alley at Parade of Lost Souls   8/ Three doughnuts this month. This pumpkin one was the winner.

Of late...( though late again. )

October was// level II. 

It was more Grouse Grind than a hike on the dyke. The newness had worn off, and when that's over-- it's just hard work, and so many looseleaf papers, and saying "no" to lots of fun things. 

I threw myself into teaching. I threw myself into school. I threw up on the inside, just a little bit.

Remember in September when I said you might be holding me to my promise of being kinder to myself? 

These oaths get forgotten when shit gets real, and you end up saying yes to everything except for yourself. I mean I-- I do. 

So in the last few days of the month, I found myself on my teal couch, with the husband beside, needing to breathe into a metaphorical paper bag. Turns out, I can't do everything all at once, and not have some essential part of my silhouette become crooked. B was firm on this-- I had to teach less days than I was currently taking on. There were stubborn tears. I went to sleep.

In the light of a cool blue day, I realized: that husband o' mine is a wise man.

That sounds sucky. Was there anything good?// 

Oh yes. Of course. There are moments everyday that are good. Like, sending mail and imagining your friends faces' when they get it. Like, biking downhill to go fetch flowers and apple chips from farmers. Like, going on dates with your husband and with friends, and having people who GET you, and all the connection and conversations that that entails. Like, it being October and you getting to wear your crisp Autumn clothes while it being very mild outside. Like, having a mean spread at Friendsgiving with all your pals. Like, having it rain and it still being a novelty after living amidst all that snow. Like, having a home and having plenty to eat and being able to be warm. All of it is good.

Body// is a bit wrinkly. It's telling me that I might need to listen to the insides soon. Now. So, I try to do that thing we call breathing. I try to rewire my thoughts to the helpful ones. I try to be curious about any and all anxiety. I recognize that October is a season of A Lot and it will pass. 

Hope is there though: this time last year (or the last few years, really), if I was this busy and stressed out, the body would have had a coup by now. A hostile takeover. But it's just a bit sharp around the edges, which is a kernel of something. 

Walking and breathing and releasing. That's my recipe for now.

Stoked!!!!// My country is my country again! This cannot be emphasized enough. Whatever comes next, I feel lighter and cleaner and truer. This is what it feels like when a collective bunch of beings stumble out of hibernation. There is still much more work to be done, but the horizon feels cleared of a decade of dirty debris.

On Art// Lots of friendly ghosts this month: I had the privilege of seeing two beautiful plays--Empire of the Son and Cock. They sent my brain whirring. My Shakespeare acting professor passed away; he who taught us so much. It was strange to mourn someone you haven't seen in years. I watched my sister's choir perform in an alley. I dug out my old Theatre box and recited my monologues in a dark room, by myself. 

Being in a city where art is more accessible, I am bumping up against my past life more and more. It is new and old at the same time, this feeling. I think I will invite it in more...figure out ways to find an opening to crawl through. 

In the mean time, I write these little updates and round up pictures from my vacations, and let that be enough.

Thoughts on marriage// I wouldn't have gotten through this month without it. What a solid feeling, to have some flesh and blood person who is your very Own, but who lets you be your Own. We are good to each other, and that is all I ever wanted from life. Thank you X one million pearl earrings.

Upcoming// A light? A tunnel? I just have to hang on. There is relief somewhere soon (maybe even right now, this very second, if I want to get all philosophical about it), and I just have to trust that putting one foot in front of the other, as I always have, is the way to go. I am proud of myself, and that is a very big something good. 

Sometimes when I am deliriously tired, I think of you.

Love always,

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